28 March, 2011
Things Kate can't do once she marries Wills
Here are ten things the bride-to-be will no longer be allowed to do once she walks down the Green Mile – ahem, aisle – in Westminster:
1. Be referred to as 'Kate'
When Kate Middleton joins the House of Windsor this year, her official title will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’.
This is in keeping with the Royal Family's public role, which is based on identifying with every section of society, including minorities and special interest groups.
3. Run for political office
For the reasons stated above, this is also a no no.
4. Escape the scrutiny
As arguably Britain's most dysfunctional family, the Monarchy provides the British public with a generous source of voyeuristic entertainment, and an opportunity for heartless slander.
5. Play Monopoly
In 2008, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, said that the Royal Family was not allowed to play Monopoly at home "because it gets too vicious". No member of the family has yet revealed what they play in its place during the Christmas holidays.
6. Say or do anything controversial
This includes accepting large amounts of money from 'businessmen' for access to your husband and getting your toes sucked in public by your financial adviser.
But it also encompasses Kate's expression of her preferred political position, social position, sexual position – basically anything within the realms of personality.
7. Eat shellfish
British Royals are apparently never served shellfish, because of a fear of food poisoning. So if Kate can't live without crustaceans, she will have to seek them out in her own time.
It is well known that Royals and careers don't mix well.
9. Sign anything unofficial
People in this position are strictly not supposed to sign anything that could lead to their signature being copied and forged.
10 Finish her dinner
If she is a slower eater than her grandmother-in-law, Kate could go hungry. In Britain, when the Queen stops eating, you stop as well, fork in hand.